just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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