I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
