I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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