is your mom at the bar?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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