i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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