So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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