I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
