if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
