He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
