that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
