Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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