Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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