Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
