Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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