Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize