So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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