Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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