So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
