I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
