Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
