Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
