It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize