Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You're like the curious george of whores
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
