i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
