I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
