I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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