So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
