Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
