my phone needs a breathalizer
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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