Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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