Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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