All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize