I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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