Who wears a wallet chain?!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Drunk is not a location!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
