Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
