tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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