The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
