I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
