he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
