I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
