Banned from zoo.
Again?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
