I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
