I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
