The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
