I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
