there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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