Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How external is "for external use only"?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My life is pants optional.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize