Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I touched a dick in church today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
