You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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