did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
