She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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