does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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