im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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