I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
