she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
