i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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