Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i already hear my dad disowning me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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