no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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