I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
