I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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