Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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