I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
