The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
