she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
