i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
