Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
