Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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